It all comes down to decision.

I lead a very blessed life. I have a husband who loves and supports me, family and friends, a roof over my head and nourishing food on my table, I want for nothing. I am, indeed, luckier than a lot of people who are doing it tough in this post-COVID age. I get to spend my days learning, teaching, and appreciating the life that I have been gifted. There is only one thing that has marred the landscape and that is me!

Yes me! I am my own worst enemy. I get in my own way, I get in my husband's way and I get in Source's way; all of them trying to help me co-create the life of my dreams and I am the one laying the road blocks. It is that niggling little voice in my head that worries about everything, that's fearful of everything. It's my ego or my barking dog (as Sonia Choquette calls it) trying to protect me from everything and in the process stopping me from living life and taking risks. Everybody worries I hear you say, but when you suffer from anxiety, worry is turbo-charged. It is the constant catastrophic thoughts running through your head at a hundred miles per hour that is the killer. It's exhausting! Distraction therapy is good for breaking this cycle (I talked about this therapy in my last post). But unchecked this type of thinking can take me into an anxiety spiral or a depressive episode. When I let this type of behaviour dominant my life, I find it is two steps forward and three massive steps back. I am always "starting again" and I get so tired of that cycle.

I had to break that cycle. There are so many ways that you can do that and for that I am truly thankful because it is not one fix helps everyone. However, I have found from my thirty or forty years of living with anxiety and depression, and researching this mental health issue, is that every person who finally "beats" it has one thing in common. What finally gives us the impetus to take control back is the DECISION to take control back! It is as simple and as complicated as that! I know there will be many people who are getting ready to write me an angry email about how stupid it is to simplify what is a very complicated mental health issue, but from my experience, you can do every therapy available to get better (for want of a better word), but until you actually decide to get better, you will continue to struggle. It is like the alcoholic who gets done for DUI and is court ordered to seek therapy for their addiction. If they attend that therapy because they've been told they have to and not because they want to, then it will be an uphill struggle for any therapist to get results.

So, I made a decision about fifteen years ago that I was tired of being on that merry-go-round and I spent five years working on myself; reading, researching, reflecting, emotional eating, crying, sleeping, exercising, spending time alone, spending time with people - I did whatever I had to, to bring myself back to my centre, to find myself and finally see my worth. I actually fell in love with myself again, and when you love yourself, it is really hard to put yourself through anxiety and depression. It doesn't mean there won't be times when you feel like you're on the precipice of going over that cliff, but now I have the tools and resources available to me, so as soon as I recognise where I'm going, I can put them into place and in fact I use these tools nearly every day no matter how I feel...my prescription for good mental health. It helps too if you have a support person, who totally gets what you're doing and is happy to step in when you don't have the strength to. Like my husband, when he hears me rattling on about the worst case scenario, will crack a joke about how positive I'm being which immediately pulls me out of my head and back into my body. Humour is a wonderful distraction therapy.

I know this all sounds very woo and new age but a lot of it is grounded in the mundane; eat well, sleep 8 hours, exercise, find your support team, do the work. I believe (and this is only my opinion) that anxiety and depression will always be a part of me. I will always feel it hanging about in the outer boundaries of my energy, waiting for an opportunity to get in. This is something I've come to terms with (at first I wanted to be "cured") and really I'm okay with that. It keeps me on my toes and pushes me to continue to find ways that I can heal myself and ultimately pass that information onto others.

In fact, I am grateful for my anxiety and depression. Without it I would never have been able to experience the joy I feel when my baby niece smiles at me or the absolute bliss of driving up the coast at sunset with the sunroof open, singing 80's tunes with my husband. These are the experiences that make everything I've been through worth it.

Until next time...

P.S. I just wanted to say that "doing the work" is a lifetime thing. In no way, shape or form am I saying that I no longer experience periods of depression or anxiety. What I am saying is that now I can recognise the alarm bells a lot quicker and put resources into place to help me deal with whatever has triggered that episode. I never ignore the trigger, otherwise it's going to come back and bite me on the ass...big time!

Photo Credit: Eric Elter - Unsplash

Photo Credit: Ioana Ye - Unsplash