What happens when change is forced upon you.

I've said it before and I will say it again, change is the only constant. It is the only thing we can rely upon in this life; that things will change...constantly, and even when we don't want them to. It is the never-ending cycle of life that pushes and pulls us through, despite us kicking and screaming the whole way. Why do we do that? Why do we insist on resisting what is inevitable? When we surrender, when we acknowledge that change is a part of life, then somehow it doesn't seem as threatening. It seems more doable.

But what if you get forced into change? What if your whole world changes in a split second, blindsiding you into an existence you didn't plan for? What do you do then? How do you reconcile the changes being forced upon you? The answer is simple. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you can't. Not at first anyway. When my Mum passed suddenly, it changed my whole family's world. This wasn't supposed to happen now! Mum was supposed to live well into her eighties, even nineties. The whole dynamic of my family was changed forever in the split second it took for my Mum's heart to stop beating. From that moment on we became a family without a matriarch. Mum was always the mooring that kept us sisters tied together, for better or worse, and now we are floating free on a very choppy sea. I was fearful that we would drown as our tears were added to that sea. But, now, just over a year later we are still afloat, not moored, but still afloat.

Photo Credit: Melanie Morales - Unsplash

Grief is such a complicated emotion. I have spent the last year dealing with my Mum's estate, which left me with very little time to dwell on the fact that my Mum was dead. I knew it but I didn't have time to really dwell on it. Now that her estate has been finalised and put to bed, I'm finding grief knocking at my door more often, especially with our second Christmas without her looming just around the corner. My friend, Katharina, told me this would happen. That I would think I was doing okay and then BAM! it would hit me like a sledge hammer. Sometimes I wake up sobbing , and I just let it come. I just let my whole body shake with grief, letting all the sadness seep from my body until I can sleep again. It's exhausting, but as my Father would say, it's better out than in (although I'm pretty sure he was talking about farts).

Even now, I see things in stores and absent-mindedly think, 'Mum would love that. I must tell her about it', or I see a movie on Netflix or a book that she would have liked. There are so many times when I forget she is gone. The realisation is almost as bad as the first time I lost her. So this is change I can't reconcile with. This is change that I'm finding hard to accept. I know I have no choice. Even with all my beliefs about death, reincarnation and the afterlife, I still can't accept the changes that Mum's death has forced upon me, mostly that she is not here to annoy me anymore.

So where to from here? I can feel energy cycles wrapping up all around me. For the last year I have been in a protective bubble that has now gone and I am facing a reality that is very different from the one I envisioned for myself. Tim and I are on the move again, I have been diagnosed with a mild version of the hereditary disease that killed my Mum and my Grandfather, and so my lifestyle has to change - the number one thing being very little stress or anxiety. How the fuck do you do that in the world we live in when you suffer from anxiety? With a lot of meditation and spa music apparently. I suppose it's best that I have the hereditary disease. I have no children. I can't pass it on. Hopefully none of my sisters will ever be diagnosed with it and therefore my nieces and nephews will hopefully have less chance of getting it. I have to prioritise my health above everything else. I intend to grow old with Tim. I intend to be here to watch my nieces and nephews grow up, all of them, Georgie being only two, so I need to ensure I'm here for every one of their milestones. I intend to live life to the fullest despite my diagnosis, despite my other health issues. I intend to heal myself. I intend to live, laugh and love. Remember when you saw that phrase in every gift shop? It finally has real meaning for me. I have to stop fucking about and being worried about everything being perfect before I do anything. Life is not perfect! It's messy and chaotic, but it's also sublime and worth every change you have to make, whether of your own choosing or not.

Until next time...

Photo Credit: S O C I A L . C U T - Unsplash

Photo Credit: Claudio Schwarz - Unsplash